Plight of the Charming
Stay of Execution talked a little about the plight of the charming and confident today:
While I don’t agree with her friend’s rationalization of her plight, I do think that it is not uncommon for women in her shoes to have that experience. That is, I don’t think that “No man wants to be around that,” but I do think that some men must surely be intimidated by women such as herself. If you don’t read Scheherazade’s blog, just take all that “smart, successful, confident, social” stuff as given. And then start reading her blog with regularity. I command it.
Some men surely are intimidated by smart confident charming types, just as women are. People are intimidated by smart confident charming types, whether in romantic or other situations. I think it’s a human thing, not a gendered thing.
That being said, my personal observation and experience is that smart confident men tend to be drawn toward such women, and can at times overcome whatever intimidation they feel. But not always, and there is a legitimate and underappreciated phenomenon of such women being ignored or otherwise not pursued.
I think the blame here lies with the population of cowardly men, of which I am a sometimes member. And the most brazen and confident men will surely overcome whatever intimidation another’s success may create.
However, there might be a few things smart confident charming people (men and women) can do to enhance their ability to buck up their potential and hopeful pursuers to overcome their natural intimidation. While I certainly have a heterosexual and male perspective from which I write here, I do think that the discussion can and ought to be ungendered, because I think it crosses those lines. Of course I wrote this all first from a very man-woman perspective, but I tried my best to clean it up and make it as applicable as it should be. Also, I may be wholly wrong in thinking it’s an ungendered discussion. Maybe it is. I dunno. But take a look:
I think charming confident people often have some trouble successfully flirting. Flirting is an exercise in expressing interest. But one of the problems with charming people (and I think this is true across genders), is that they’re charming to everyone, and they have some difficulty expressing with particularity their interests to the persons in whom they’re actually romantically interested. (I’m going to use the word “romantic” to stand in for all sorts of sexual and romantic interests). If you’re nice and attentive and eager to talk to everyone at the party, the person you’re most interested and eager for might not notice their special rank.
I think a lot of heterosexual men don’t make a serious pass at women, like asking for their phone numbers, or what have you, unless they think the woman’s actually interested. I certainly won’t ask for a phone number from someone if they don’t seem to like me any more than anyone else at a social function. And I think this is part of what flirting is generally. It’s a mechanism for getting people past their basic social inhibitions.
You don’t ask a stranger on the street for their phone number. The expectation is that they’ll say no. (Of course people probably don’t want to ask out strangers anyhow, and wouldn’t want to go out with someone interested in going out with a complete stranger, but that is all beside the point.) However, if someone seems to like talking to you, then maybe they’re interested in seeing you socially. The only difference for charming people is that they have to find ways to distinguish their romantic interest in someone from the general and genuine friendliness they express to everyone else.
Of course touching in conversation is always a good indicator of interest and familiarity, although charming people may tend to do this with everyone.
If at a party, whispering closely into someone’s ear to avoid the din is a closening exercise. (Closening is a word now.)
Asking datey personal questions, quietly, and without the boisterous typically charming fanfare is a way to distinguish your communication from the rest.
And you can always find excuses to sit on someone’s lap! Some of the most charming and confident women I knew in college sometimes had to take such “extraordinary measures” to point out that they were particularly interested in specific men. This little suggestion’s sort of for the young and fun, but maybe adults could get away with it. I take no position on the question of its appropriateness!
I hear I can be fun at parties. And I like to play the role of boisterous guy, at least when I know enough people to make it work. But I have myself had some difficulty making my particular interests come across. I think I’ve tried some of those tactics up there, with some effect, and I know others have tried them on me with greater effect. My personal dilemma is often the difficulty I have with prying myself away from my desire to be loud and boisterous, when I also want to let someone in particular know that I am particularly interested in their particulars.
Again I heard this today: "Men are intimidated by you. You're so smart, successful, confident, social. You're happy and vivacious. You know everyone. You have it all together. No man wants to be around that."
While I don’t agree with her friend’s rationalization of her plight, I do think that it is not uncommon for women in her shoes to have that experience. That is, I don’t think that “No man wants to be around that,” but I do think that some men must surely be intimidated by women such as herself. If you don’t read Scheherazade’s blog, just take all that “smart, successful, confident, social” stuff as given. And then start reading her blog with regularity. I command it.
Some men surely are intimidated by smart confident charming types, just as women are. People are intimidated by smart confident charming types, whether in romantic or other situations. I think it’s a human thing, not a gendered thing.
That being said, my personal observation and experience is that smart confident men tend to be drawn toward such women, and can at times overcome whatever intimidation they feel. But not always, and there is a legitimate and underappreciated phenomenon of such women being ignored or otherwise not pursued.
I think the blame here lies with the population of cowardly men, of which I am a sometimes member. And the most brazen and confident men will surely overcome whatever intimidation another’s success may create.
However, there might be a few things smart confident charming people (men and women) can do to enhance their ability to buck up their potential and hopeful pursuers to overcome their natural intimidation. While I certainly have a heterosexual and male perspective from which I write here, I do think that the discussion can and ought to be ungendered, because I think it crosses those lines. Of course I wrote this all first from a very man-woman perspective, but I tried my best to clean it up and make it as applicable as it should be. Also, I may be wholly wrong in thinking it’s an ungendered discussion. Maybe it is. I dunno. But take a look:
I think charming confident people often have some trouble successfully flirting. Flirting is an exercise in expressing interest. But one of the problems with charming people (and I think this is true across genders), is that they’re charming to everyone, and they have some difficulty expressing with particularity their interests to the persons in whom they’re actually romantically interested. (I’m going to use the word “romantic” to stand in for all sorts of sexual and romantic interests). If you’re nice and attentive and eager to talk to everyone at the party, the person you’re most interested and eager for might not notice their special rank.
I think a lot of heterosexual men don’t make a serious pass at women, like asking for their phone numbers, or what have you, unless they think the woman’s actually interested. I certainly won’t ask for a phone number from someone if they don’t seem to like me any more than anyone else at a social function. And I think this is part of what flirting is generally. It’s a mechanism for getting people past their basic social inhibitions.
You don’t ask a stranger on the street for their phone number. The expectation is that they’ll say no. (Of course people probably don’t want to ask out strangers anyhow, and wouldn’t want to go out with someone interested in going out with a complete stranger, but that is all beside the point.) However, if someone seems to like talking to you, then maybe they’re interested in seeing you socially. The only difference for charming people is that they have to find ways to distinguish their romantic interest in someone from the general and genuine friendliness they express to everyone else.
Of course touching in conversation is always a good indicator of interest and familiarity, although charming people may tend to do this with everyone.
If at a party, whispering closely into someone’s ear to avoid the din is a closening exercise. (Closening is a word now.)
Asking datey personal questions, quietly, and without the boisterous typically charming fanfare is a way to distinguish your communication from the rest.
And you can always find excuses to sit on someone’s lap! Some of the most charming and confident women I knew in college sometimes had to take such “extraordinary measures” to point out that they were particularly interested in specific men. This little suggestion’s sort of for the young and fun, but maybe adults could get away with it. I take no position on the question of its appropriateness!
I hear I can be fun at parties. And I like to play the role of boisterous guy, at least when I know enough people to make it work. But I have myself had some difficulty making my particular interests come across. I think I’ve tried some of those tactics up there, with some effect, and I know others have tried them on me with greater effect. My personal dilemma is often the difficulty I have with prying myself away from my desire to be loud and boisterous, when I also want to let someone in particular know that I am particularly interested in their particulars.
posted by neotokyotimes on
Thursday, February 24, 2005
